I grew up in a very dysfunctional family, and have been untangling the threads of my family's belief systems and behaviors for years in search of my own truths.

I'm pleased to announce the publication of my memoir about my own dysfunctional family, The Box of Daughter. Find out more about the book.

One of the hallmarks of dysfunctional families is secrecy, and I hope that by sharing these stories I can offer insight and validation for others who may be involved in dysfunctional relationships. We can only figure out what the problem is and how to change things when we shine the light of clarity and truth on the situation.

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I grew up with parents who were very emotionally needy. I imagine that they didn’t get much love when they were small, and when they had kids, for whatever reason, they looked to us for their comfort and love and attention, rather than seeking it from each other.

As a result, I didn’t get much emotional nourishment myself. The dysfunctional cycle continued in my family. I grew up being a “giver,” but never learning much about how to receive. I truly believe in giving, but if we don’t know how to let ourselves be nourished, we can quickly become very burned out.

In my ongoing work to let go of the past and move forward in my life, I recently discovered that my energy is still flowing “outward” almost continuously: flowing out into working, sustaining my relationships, and working to create a fulfilling life for myself. Even when I stop to relax (which isn’t as often as it should be), I’m thinking about the next wave of giving outward, instead of taking in any nourishing energy that I create for myself. I get tired and cranky before I know it, and usually wait until I’m exhausted before I rest.

I thought back into my past. What caused this habit to develop? I remembered that when things got rough in my family, I shut myself off from everything that was happening—and now I realize how much of life I’m still shutting out. There is so much beauty and bounty in the world, if we only stop to take it in! At this point, I’m starting to “retrain” myself to let it in, to allow it to nourish me.

So if you’ve always been a “giver,” take some time this holiday season to stop, be still, to allow the Universe to nourish you. We all deserve nourishment, even if we were taught those many years ago that we didn’t.

Happy Holidays!

I recently read a great little book called Owning Your Own Shadow by Jungian analyst Robert A. Johnson. Having grown up in a very dysfunctional family, I have a massive shadow which follows me around like a giant lizard from Jurassic Park, tripping me up with its obstacles and changing my brain’s interpretation of reality into scenes from my childhood.

After twenty years (off and on) of weekly visits to the therapist’s office, I’ve shrunk my shadow from XXXL down to a size eight, but I still struggle occasionally with anger, frustration, and fear related to my past. What I loved about Owning Your Own Shadow was that the author offers practical suggestions for integrating the shadow into one’s life in manageable ways, rather than continuing to shove it under the rug so it blurts out at the most inopportune and inappropriate times, like when you’re trying to make points with your boss or mother-in-law.

According to Johnson, if we refuse to acknowledge our individual shadow, it can manifest as depression, psychosomatic illness, and a tendency toward accidents. He stresses the need to acknowledge that there’s a dark side to the psyche which can’t be ignored. Since the dawn of time, various cultures have expressed the shadow in bloodletting rituals and sacrifice to keep it from invading daily life, but in the Western world, we expect everything to be good and light. Our repressed and unacknowledged collective shadow bursts out in economic difficulties, war, political upheaval, and racial intolerance.

The more we try to repress and ignore the shadow, the stronger it gets. I imagine that criminals and murderers must have gigantic, insatiable shadows. My own shadow generally expresses itself in sudden bursts of anger and frustration at really small stuff, and also with regular dribbles and spills of various foods and liquids as I fix meals in the kitchen. When I ignore the signs and try to control things even more, they just get worse.

Johnson refers to his suggestions for integrating the shadow as “shadow upkeep.” He cites one couple who assigned the task of taking out the garbage to whoever had enjoyed the most good fortune that week, as an attempt to give expression to the darker side so it doesn’t interfere with the light of joy. Other ways to express shadow energy could be cleaning, weeding, painting, writing, or dancing the shadow. My own favorite is grabbing a sofa cushion, gritting my teeth, and shaking it for all it’s worth, usually while imagining a particular person from childhood in its place. Then I dust off the cushion and fluff it up before I put it back. Even small silly acts like this can relieve huge amounts of tension.

Now, when a forkful of cat food clatters to the floor or the kitchen spray hose hits me in the stomach, I think to myself, “That’s the shadow,” and remind myself that I’d rather have my shadow energy express itself that way than erupt into a much larger disaster. When I’m feeling frustrated with life, I clench my jaw and growl and shake my head, imagining the shadow within becoming a gargoyle for a few seconds. Then I can go back to my life feeling a little calmer, a little cleaner, a little more in control. When the inner darkness has been fed, there’s a little more light. My psyche’s balance has been restored.

Johnson suggests that the shadow also contains gold – the highest and most honorable qualities in ourselves that we were taught to repress or disclaim in modesty – and that the gold is even more terrifying than the darkness. Owning Your Own Shadow is a short, easy read, but offers a goldmine of guidelines on how to manage your shadow and cope much more effectively with life. Give it a read, and embrace your own inner gargoyle!