I grew up in a dysfunctional family, with fundamentalist, emotionally abusive parents who were raised during the Depression. I lived in an emotional and mental box practically from birth, creating my life and myself based on who my parents wanted me to be. But over the years, I've climbed out of the box and discovered who I was meant to be. Life is just incredible, outside the box of daughter.

We all live in boxes, letting ourselves be defined by the limits others place on us, as well as those we place on ourselves. The boxes keep us from living fully, from making choices that are right for us, and from experiencing our own strength and power.

Daughterhood boxes are often particularly confining. We're usually the caretakers, the peacemakers, the ones who assume or are given responsibility for the happiness and comfort of others. When we try to grow and do things for ourselves, the ones we care for sometimes try to keep us in the box. You can read about the box I grew up in, and how I got out of it, in the excerpts from my memoir, The Box of Daughter.

Human beings are not meant to live in boxes; we're meant to explore and grow and reach out for life. Trust yourself. You know better than anyone else does what's right for you, and what you want. Find ways to get the encouragement you need, by asking trusted friends or reading books or getting therapy, and go for it!

How to Get Out of the Box

There are lots of ways to help yourself get out of a box and become more independent, more authentic. First, pay attention to that little voice inside of you that's telling you what you really want. It's a link to your soul, to your higher and deeper self, and even though others might tell you that you can't trust that voice, you can. It's the real you. Our society doesn't encourage us to listen to that voice, but it's the only way to get through the pain, find the truth, and become who you're meant to be.

Second, focus on your own empowerment instead of the limits of the box. This step can take some time, as you begin to see clearly how others manipulate you into climbing back into the box whenever you take a new step forward. One small step is still a step forward, and over time, all those steps become a journey into authenticity. Though it doesn't take most people as long as it took me, my journey out of the box lasted more than twenty years. The joys and rewards I've found outside of the box exceeded my highest expectations.

Third, take small actions in the moment to get yourself out of the box: if someone is pressuring you to do something you don't want to do, say no. It takes practice, because daughters are trained to say "yes" instead. The first time I said no, I was in my living space, with no one there, because I had to learn how it felt to say no. In my memoir, I write about how my mother never allowed me to say no, and the feeling of having my self-esteem, my power, all sense of self, erased. I also write about my journey of recovery from an abusive childhood, clarifying the steps we can all take to get free of the past and the emotional habits that cause us to continue to let others hurt us.

Finally, have compassion for yourself. Have as much compassion for yourself as you have for others who are hurting. Treat yourself as well as you treat everyone else, even if you can only do it for a minute or two at a time. We all need love and compassion, and if you're not getting enough, it's a signal that you need to support yourself more, find better friends, and open up to the support of the Universe.

We can all get out of the box, and the world will be better for our efforts. Getting out of the box doesn't mean casting aside or hurting family and friends; it means that you'll be able to communicate more clearly and authentically, which, over time, will encourage others to do the same.